self-portrait: celebrity

Well, well, well.

(Might as well re-title the subject as "Dwell, dwell, dwell.")

It has been a long-ass journey since the late summer of 2006. The journey is never-ending as well as the rebirth cycles. I have had out-of-body observations of my own self trying to figure who the hell I was watching -- Is this the "new" Peep? Is the "old" Peep no longer retrievable? -- and simultaneously wondering when the heck my most authentic aspect of the identity I've worked hard to shelter and defend through general creative outlets while airing out dark, near-demonic pains.


The text above was auto-saved but I had long forgotten about it since. I can't recall when I first typed those words.... It obviously was between 2012 and 2014. Narrowing down the exact moment in this timeframe would be moot. It has been a constant battle of challenging emotional and psychological pains. I no longer could maintain a sense of sanity and sought a therapist in hopes of achieving a peace of mind. Gratefully so, it's been a year and a month of therapy and counting. If I didn't have insurance to cover therapy I'm not sure where I would be right now. Long story short, with all due respect to my therapist's observations and interpretations, I am a severely wounded victim in terms of abandonment issues. Great. I was prepared to accept that it was entirely a father issue but.... nooo.... it also goes far back to my very beloved grandfather's death (!) when I was six years old and (not as far back) to my ex-fiance's non-existence. So, think about this: I am dealing with triple-whammy abandonment issues. Each "abandonment" experience was not my fault, I get it, but my emotional mind continues to think otherwise and suffers to this day. No wonder I have always had trust issues with everyone including loved ones. Still largely wired to carrying out coping/defense mechanisms, I'm amused to report. Anyway, on top of abandonment issues I have also been struggling with clinical depression and an ongoing women's health crisis. (Hello, hormones!) I believe I have been clinically depressed since I was a teenager, particularly around the time Grandmother had passed on.

There is good news, don't worry. I'm still here. And fighting. My personal health journey is not over and I look forward to receiving scientific results to rule out any chemical, biological (i.e., hormonal), or genetic causes that may play a contributing role to my inner demons.

Wishing y'all a pleasant holiday season and sincere love/light.
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Happy New Year, or 20 + 12 = 32.

Happy New Year....

The year I will become thirty-two. I think the mathematical magic of 2012 coinciding with my age is adorable. I like it, I like it.... ;)

This year should be a very interesting one. I don't know what to expect because: 1) nothing seems properly predictable these days; 2) I stopped holding expectations as seriously as I once did; and 3) I have about ten months of internet access to make good use of via Project Endeavor.

Happy twenty-twelve. Much light to you and more.
  • Current Mood: awake awake
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Ahem.

Hi there....

I think it's safely appropriate to announce that I am back to good, old LiveJournal. Oh, how have I missed thee.

Reason: Somebody (special) recently hooked me up with a wi-fi compatible hard drive at home and there happens to be an unsecured connection somewhere in my apartment building. So far, so okay therefore back to the exciting point (of return): I think I am back.

So, what have I missed? It's been forever.
  • Current Mood: grateful grateful
plbbt!

Clocking In/Out.

I miss having a real vacation, hm-mm....

When the time comes for me to grab an opportunity to vacate out of town, I'm not gonna run nor walk nor even fly. I'm gonna Scotty-beam-me-up instead! (I wonder if that's expensive. Anyone?)

Enjoy staycationing, vacationing, or.... exhaling whenever you can.

Back to my fembotic lifestyle (I was talking about working, mind you) freelancing as usual before the autumn returns with everything routine.
  • Current Mood: good good
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I Dream, You Dream, We Dream.

As of last week, my voice emerges again. Three dreams. To be clear, two dreams and a nightmare. Over the course of seventy-two hours. They all pertained to the peak, ebb, whachamacallit of loneliness I currently am struggling to cope with. Understandably, my general pattern of sleep continues to be out of sorts (which actually began long before the dream trilogy premiered).

I originally had assumed, amusingly blamed it on the hormones or the sheer biological sensibility of my being thirtysomething now. (Which rocks -- I predict being taken somewhat more seriously now by others.)

But, no.

I am tired. And increasingly ripe -- I am seeking some true companionship. And it has nothing to do with my hormones or age. Yet it has everything to do with the core of my heart. (How so annoyingly human.)

On the brighter side of illusion, I hope you've been dreaming sweetly lately. ;)


. Penelope, wireless . she who defies some labels .
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MYM.

I miss doing this. I do.

Hang in there (i.e., 'reality.'). *hug*

. Penelope, wireless .. she who defies some labels .
self-portrait: celebrity

I Love You (More), Michael.

Michael Jackson was/is an unique thread (among others, sung and unsung across the planet) woven into our core of the everyday life -- a golden thread 'gone too soon' indeed. One way or another (or simultaneously), he always will be 'another part of me.'

RIP, MJ's spirit.

. Penelope, wireless . she who defies some labels .
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An Ambiguous Rant.

How could it be that I am living the best I possibly can, feeling as content as never before and yet still be underappreciated (for lack of a better term) for the things I seem to lack among circles of peers who don't give support as freely upon (rare) request? I certainly don't mean to be a nuisance at the moment but I honestly feel people don't realize that I wouldn't ask for support if it was not absolutely necessary. Heck, I don't even make a habit of seeking support as freely. It's exhausting at times.... I don't complain as much as I used to, believe me.

I think I'm coming to a point where I must seek new friends who are more compassionate of my unique so-called commuter lifestyle. Too bad this worktown is a social island of its own. Much unfortunate.

. Penelope, wireless . she who defies some labels .